Regret...

All These Things That I've Done: The Killers, Hot Fuss


I'm feeling a bit heavy, a bit burdened by something I've done (actually not done, but that's too specific --and yet too vague, I know-- for you to fully understand).

I don't really want to go into the details just now. No point in doing that anyway, it wouldn't change the outcome or the fact that my actions are the cause of distress for others.

No, the real point is I am AWARE of it. I wish I could say I knew why I let things play out that way, but I don't. Some things can't be rationalized or explained, but we do them --or not--anyway. That is part of what or who we are and what defines us. This time, doing the wrong thing was just something I had to do. And I am to blame, fully and wholly. And I AM sorry.

But, I will NOT beat myself up over it. It's done and I can't "undo" it. Nor do I choose to live in the past. It's living in the past that damns you. (While living in/for the future is hollow because it never really comes.) By being mindful of it, and simply staying in the present, I can apologize and be redeemed. And that is what I must do. I've known it for the last few weeks and continued to choose to remain inert. But it's time. I need to reckon with it and be freed.